Long Time

it has been a really long time since i have written anything, partly because i forgot my password..ha. well now i have my password written down and i will not forget:) i have lots to say now, so prepare to read my many words...

Future Goals

"Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?"
-Imogen Heap

A while back the movie The Bucket List came out featuring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. I thought the movie was such a great idea that i started my own list...book. haha well ever since i was little i always remember seeing something i thought was really cool and wanting to try it but never remembering what it was. so after i heard of the movie i started my own. i wont share all of the ones i have so far but as my blog goes on i might include some at the end of my entries.

Not too long after this show on Mtv came out called The Buried Life came on mtv, which is pretty much incredible, check it out if you havent already, so now im super stoked about my book. it doubles as my journal so ill write down things i want and my expirences and check off all the things i have accomplished. so far i havent crossed of many but its a work in progress. but if i do check anything it off it will be bold.

#3 Sing in front of a live audience.

Sad Movie, Sad Memories

I just saw the movie The Lovely Bones. i thought it was really good. Saoirse Ronan, who plays susie is amazing in this movie. there is a point where she screams and i just wanted to cry...i did a little. but my mother was there with me so i held it together. i wanted to see the movie really badly because i read the book and is was really good but the movie left out a lot of critical points in the movie. Like the fact that susies mother left them after her death for the dectective and never to return. stuff like that. i felt bad making my mother watch it. it didnt really click for me until it was half way over but i felt pretty awful. i felt awful because when my mother was aroundmy age she lost her brother. he was an amazing person, so i hear. ive never heard anyone that has anything bad to say of him. i wish i could have met him. my mother is my only family so shes the only one that talks of him really. but from what she has told me he was the most amazing person alive. he drowned. my mother started crying half way through the movie. i think she was thinking about what she would do if she lost me. the other day she told me of how she wanted to leave. she wanted to be taken to the mountains and have me spread the ashes. while she talked i couldnt help but tune her out and start to think of what it would be like to lose her. i couldnt imagine it. as many times as we have screamed and yelled at each other i cant imagine losing her. i am now trying to live every day as if it were my last and trying my hardest to remember not to take anything for granted, especially the ones you love.

My New Start

I've decided to make a whole new blog. One that no one reads, hopefully. i guess it would be fine if someone did read this considering i am posting this on the Internet but i plan to delete all the people that once followed my blog and start new. I'm deleting those people because in all honesty we are no longer friends. that was not my choice, but i guess people change and other people become more important. I'm not going to use names, and i will be completely honest.

Isn't it sad how some people discard friends and get new ones. i must say i am somewhat talking about myself as well. it's sad when i find myself suddenly with no one. no friends to talk to at all because they are mad at me, or i am at them, or all the nonsense of the "he said she said" crap. there are some friends i wish i could apologize to just so we could be friends again. one in particular. 13 years i knew her, we were family and within a day everything changed. i guess I'd like to secretly apologize to her. i have tried time after time but nothing changed, so i guess if she ever reads this maybe then she will be able to fathom how sorry i am how things turned out. I'm sorry B, i miss you and wish things could be different.

i guess chapter 2 of my friends would be one of the craziest yet amazing people i have ever met. we were very similar but as the saying goes 3 is a crowd...and we had 4. so i guess that was bound to be a disaster of gossip and backstabbing. I'm sorry H. i have no family. its just me and my mother, so when i find a new friend i try and be there for them no matter what and be the person they can turn to. i tried like hell to be that for you, but you were preoccupied with a certain someone. i understand and i totally support you with him but i guess i was being jealous and just wanted some you and me no guy time. its sad that i told you something seriously important and and needed you and inevitably it returned back to you and your relationship. i guess i just wish you could look from my point of view and see what it might be like. we are both incredibly stubborn and i wouldn't ever want to lose you as a friend, but I'm not willing to apologize for somethings i don't believe are my "fault." i do wish that for once maybe you could be the bigger person and come talk to me. but i don't think that will ever happen.

chapter 3, this one hurts most. i am truly sorry to you S. we were only friends for a year and a half. and i must admit i am stubborn and don't see your side so clearly but i would always be willing to put it behind us, even though you aren't. you say i haven't changed and that kills me because of all the friends i have lost you are one i would give anything to have back. i did take you for granted but you left me. you left me for what you thought was better and now you don't have them either. i wish i could walk up to you when i see you and just give you a hug and laugh like this never happened. the other day i found a note you wrote me, when we used to write each other in class and make them all colorful and funny and give them to each other during passing period, and i read it and just remembered all the amazing times i had with you. i hate that we will probably never be friends again, it seriously kills me. but i just hope you are happy and find people that don't take you for granted as i did. your an amazing person.