little by little

things are getting better..kind of. still looking for a job that wont make me want to jump off a cliff everyday but im trying to be optomistic about it. optomists live longer than pessimists anyways. still have my bad days but im trying to stay postive about things. i just have to keep thinking job job job. it seems that a job is going to make of break my life right now. i need this job because christmas is coming up and i have my eye on a few things for brookie and my mom. i need this job to help my mom out. i need this job to help pay for school and the pricey books that come wit it..which i will be renting..i need this job so i can drive my car and motivate my mother to finally fix hers or get a new one! i need this job to save up for edc this year which i brutally want to go to, at this point id sell a kidney just to go..that might be a little illegal though, hmm another reason i need to job! so my kidnies can stay in tact:) and lastly i need this job to save up for my own apartment that i plan to live in with brooklyn. its not that im so desperate to move away from my mother...well on her bad days it is...but its mostly because i finally want to be able to rely on myself. not have to ask my mother for permission or answer to anyone, decorate with green paint and rug leaves, i want to be more indendent for once in my life. i feel like im an extremely independent person..with some things..and i need to finally take care of myself and get on with my life. seems to be going by so quickly and i just want to make the most of it while i still can.

song obsessions of the week:)







some feel good music for my new optomistic look on things

just felt lonely lately.

been all by myself for a while now. kind of hate it. i feel like aloser for not beng in school and not having a job and my mother doesnt seem to make it any easier. in fact her solution is just to yell. yelling at me for no reason. for taking her shoes..which i didnt. for taking her brush..which i didnt. for putting her money in her bag..and she couldnt find it so of course i must have taken it. for not taking the dogs on a walk fast enough. she decided to do that one right in front of brooklyn. brooklyn has seen me get in trouble before but this time was just embaressing. out of the blue. i was crying so hard i couldnt breath. i hate feeling like this. feel like shes just pushing me away and doing everything her mother did to her. i dont like being a loser. i dont like being alone. i miss how things were.

felling a change

in who i associate myself with. my best friend has become a jackass, my other best friend was with me on that idea until recently. kind of annoying but if she wants to be used then thats her deal. i just want a friend that doesnt use me. just one. i need to find new friends. i cant be stuck with the same old people my whole life. felling like im being held back sometimes. im completely different from my friends. i need people that like to do what i like and there is a give and take in the relationship, not just a take. i think when i sign up for my new classes this upcoming semester things will get better. i hope they will.



i like how i just coorilate my whole life with different songs:)

i guess im down for whatever..

i think im finally getting over my self pity party. i tried with this guy. its not happening i see that now. i hope there is someone out there better for me. i cant wait to go to real college and be away from all the little boys around here. not worth my time. im down to go out and meet new people and stop worrying about the stupid little things..stupid little boys. back to my summer mentality..just not as severe. im excited to just have fun. i want to work on me. i need to scheduale classes find a job i love so i dont hate going all the time and surround myself with people who matter and wont cause drama. no guys for a while. none. i dont care if hes seemingly perfect..they never are and i need to be stable in my own life and self before i take part in a relationship. i deserve someone better than you.

it gets harder everyday.

last night was pretty terrible. being turned down and told that someone wont date you...but finding out they are dating someone else when they supposedly had a rule for themselves to not date..hmm. there might be something wrong with me i just havent figured it out yet. possibly a physical matter? an intelligence factor? i havent found out yet why exactly i seem to be so repulsed by some people. so i think for now getting #Stupidfacedd seems to be the best idea at this moment in time. might regret it later but you only regret it if you dont learn..maybe ill learn sometihng tonight. heres hoping its why im undateable...

if youre a bird, im a bird...

i hate walking around and seeing people together. found a guy. seemed picture perfect. i was wrong..yet again. so tired of wanting something that is just so apparently not going to happen for me. its just been a bad day. im over wanting the same thing all the time. i want to be of the norm and fit in with everyone else. i want to find someone i can be with that will love me.